Aries - Your life has been running backwards since November 15th. But, with no eyes in the back of your head, you keep stumbling over things. A Capricorn will probably push you into a deep cavern on the Full Moon, and you remain there until the 30th.

Taurus - You will get arrested on the 6th, but they will lose your paperwork and your arraignment will get postponed until after the 12th. You will be injured in a prison brawl on the 19th, and an Aries judge will convict you on the 30th. So party hardy!

Gemini - You may find yourself drowning on the 8th, and that pushy Capricorn may be holding you down. If you live through it, the rest of the month will be boring. And, that will really drive you insane. The best time to check in to the psych ward will be January 28th, but the best time to commit suicide is January 30th.

Cancer - No, you are not paranoid, and yes, the whole world IS out to get you. And, you will probably lose the battle and die on the 26th.

Leo - Feeling guilty? Well, get up off your lazy ass, and that may change. You know you can drink and work at the same time… lots of people do it. Beware, there is a strong chance of electrocution on the 20th.

Virgo - Your slaves will rise up and revolt this month. You’ve beaten them one too many times. A Leo will set fire to your home on the 22nd, and the homeless shelter will kick you out on the 28th.

Libra - You will be robbed by a Capricorn male on the 6th, but he will only be taking what you borrowed and never returned. There is a tendency to either end up in the emergency room or in a threesome on the 12th. Don’t forget your meds on the 16th, because the hallucinations will be wicked. You will probably get drunk and beat-up on the 19th, but your life will be transformed on the 24th… if you live through it.

Scorpio - You think life is bad now… hang on, its going to get worse! The Universe is going to really give you something to cry about. Lock up those nuclear weapons, or you may destroy us all on January 2. You will find your “soul mate” on the 24th, but they will dump you on the 25th because of all the abuse.

Sagittarius - You maxed out the credit cards last month, and now you are going to have to work your ass off. I see you working day in and day out until you crack on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. Your lover will leave you on January 24th.

Capricorn - You’re going to be stomping on everybody this month… Enjoy!

Aquarius - Capricorn IS your jealous younger brother, so guess who is going to get stomped the most? Nobody wants to hear your ideas, and they will probably tell you to shut-up. Just keep bitching, and there is a good change you will get beaten, jailed, or even patronized from the 7th through the 11th. You spouse will leave your on the 12th, and I have nothing after that… like usual.

Pisces - A Cancer will betray you on the 3rd, and the spell that you will cast on her will take effect on the 16th. But, then it will backlash on the 17th. Don’t you know you can bind a Cancer? She’ll finally apologize on the 19th, and you will probably stay drunk the rest of the month.

About the Author
Bitching Blaze is a fictional character and resident Astrologer at PsychicBitch.com where you get absolutely free psychic readings and the absolute truth. http://www.psychicbitch.com/
The real Bitching Blaze is Sparrow Moon and you can read her daily and monthly astrology forecasts, and keep up on current astrology trends. http://www.sparrowmoon.com/

Share This

If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!

This entry was posted on Friday, January 18th, 2008 at 12:29 pm and is filed under Funny. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.