Women over 50 don’t have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills… she has 14 kids but doesn’t really care.

One of life’s mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came
today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker’s.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like…’You know sometimes I forget to eat!’ … Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name andmy keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited
about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day.

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This ‘news’ article irked me… how silly!

Italy’s highest court has ruled that a woman wearing jeans cannot be raped.

The Supreme Court of Appeal in Rome on Wednesday overturned a rape conviction, saying that the supposed victim must have agreed to sex because her jeans could not have been removed without her consent.

A court in the southern town of Potenza had convicted a driving instructor of raping his 18-year-old pupil.

The instructor, aged 45 and identified only as Carmine, had been sentenced to 34 months’ jail.

His defence had argued that the young woman - identified as Rosa - had consented to sex, a version of events which the woman strongly denied.

The Supreme Court ruled that it was impossible to remove a pair of jeans “without the collaboration of the person wearing them”, and that the young woman must therefore have consented to sex.

In a judgement likely to anger women’s rights organizations, the rape conviction was reversed.

Driving instructors in Italy have a reputation, deserved or undeserved, for molesting young female pupils, and the case appeared at first to be a familiar story of sexual assault on a lonely country road.

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Hi kids, Mr. Fabulous here. You know, I’ve done scores of guest posts over the last few years for folks, and when Eve asked me to do one for Caffeine Overload I was thrilled. Then she told me that the post couldn’t include naughty words or incendiary statements or any displays of nudity by me. Or anyone.

Sheesh. Way to tie my hands. Gratuitous displays of nudity are my home run swing.

But I shall endeavor to persevere. It has been a while since I have done a Top Ten List. This way it’s an educational guest post, and I might qualify for some sort of grant for intellectual guys.

Top Ten Reasons I Do So Many Guest Posts

10. I get Green Stamps for every guest post (that would have made sense forty years ago).

9. If I don’t guest post, the terrorists win.

8. I guest post to make for inadequacies in…other areas.

7. Only seven more guest posts and I get to meet TV’s Regis Philbin.

6. Not much else to do on death row.

5. It’s either this or kick boxing, and I bruise like a peach.

4. I have to do one guest post a week as part of the terms of my community service.

3. I’m hoping to parlay this guest posting gig into a career as a teen pop sensation.

2. Chicks, dude. Chicks dig guest posters!

1. Dr. Phil tells me to.

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A lot of non-living objects are classified as male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

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1. A bullet that reached its destiny years later
   Henry Ziegland thought he had dodged fate. In 1883, he broke off a relationship with his girlfriend who, out of distress, committed suicide. The girl’s brother was so enraged that he hunted down Ziegland and shot him. The brother, believing he had killed Ziegland, then turned his gun on himself and took his own life. But Ziegland had not been killed. The bullet, in fact, had only grazed his face and then lodged in a tree. Ziegland surely thought himself a lucky man. Some years later, however, Ziegland decided to cut down the large tree, which still had the bullet in it. The task seemed so formidable that he decided to blow it up with a few sticks of dynamite. The explosion propelled the bullet into Ziegland’s head, killing him. (Source: Ripley’s Believe It or Not!)
2. Twin Boys, twin lives
   The stories of identical twins’ nearly identical lives are often astonishing, but perhaps none more so than those of identical twins born in Ohio. The twin boys were separated at birth, being adopted by different families. Unknown to each other, both families named the boys James. And here the coincidences just begin. Both James grew up not even knowing of the other, yet both sought law-enforcement training, both had abilities in mechanical drawing and carpentry, and each had married women named Linda. They both had sons whom one named James Alan and the other named James Allan. The twin brothers also divorced their wives and married other women - both named Betty. And they both owned dogs which they named Toy. Forty years after their childhood separation, the two men were reunited to share their amazingly similar lives. (Source: Reader’s Digest, January 1980)
3. Just like Edgar Allan Poe’s book
   In the 19th century, the famous horror writer, Egdar Allan Poe, wrote a book called ‘The narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym’. It was about four survivors of a shipwreck who were in an open boat for many days before they decided to kill and eat the cabin boy whose name was Richard Parker. Some years later, in 1884, the yawl, Mignonette, foundered, with only four survivors, who were in an open boat for many days. Eventully the three senior members of the crew, killed and ate the cabin boy. The name of the cabin boy was Richard Parker.
4. Twin brothers, killed on the same road, two hours apart
   On 2002, Seventy-year-old twin brothers have died within hours of one another after separate accidents on the same road in northern Finland. The first of the twins died when he was hit by a lorry while riding his bike in Raahe, 600 kilometres north of the capital, Helsinki. He died just 1.5km from the spot where his brother was killed. “This is simply a historic coincidence. Although the road is a busy one, accidents don’t occur every day,” police officer Marja-Leena Huhtala told Reuters. “It made my hair stand on end when I heard the two were brothers, and identical twins at that. It came to mind that perhaps someone from upstairs had a say in this,” she said. (Source: BBC News)
5. Three suicide attempts, all stopped by the same Monk
   Joseph Aigner was a fairlly well-known portrait painter in 19th century Austria who, apparently, was quite an unhappy fellow: he several times attempted suicide. His first attempt was at the young age of 18 when he tried to hang himself, but was interrupted by the mysterious appearance of a Capuchin monk. At age 22 he again tried to hang himself, but was again saved from the act by the very same monk. Eight years later, his death was ordained by others who sentenced him to the gallows for his political activities. Once again, his life was saved by the intervention of the same monk. At age 68, Aiger finally succeeded in suicide, a pistol doing the trick. His funeral ceremony was conducted by the same Capuchin monk - a man whose name Aiger never even knew. (Source: Ripley’s Giant Book of Believe It or Not!)
6. Poker winnings, to the unsuspected son
   In 1858, Robert Fallon was shot dead, an act of vengeance by those with whom he was playing poker. Fallon, they claimed, had won the $600 pot through cheating. With Fallon’s seat empty and none of the other players willing to take the now-unlucky $600, they found a new player to take Fallon’s place and staked him with the dead man’s $600. By the time the police had arrived to investigate the killing, the new player had turned the $600 into $2,200 in winnings. The police demanded the original $600 to pass on to Fallon’s next of kin - only to discover that the new player turned out to be Fallon’s son, who had not seen his father in seven years! (Source: Ripley’s Giant Book of Believe It or Not!)
7. A novel that unsuspectedly described the spy next door
   When Norman Mailer began his novel Barbary Shore, there was no plan to have a Russian spy as a character. As he worked on it, he introduced a Russian spy in the U.S. as a minor character. As the work progressed, the spy became the dominant character in the novel. After the novel was completed, the U.S. Immigration Service arrested a man who lived just one floor above Mailer in the same apartment building. He was Colonel Rudolf Abel, alleged to be the top Russian spy working in the U.S. at that time. (Source: Science Digest)
8. Mark Twain and Halley’s Comet
   Mark Twain was born on the day of the appearance of Halley’s Comet in 1835, and died on the day of its next appearance in 1910. He himself predicted this in 1909, when he said: “I came in with Halley’s Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it.”
9. Three strangers on a Train, with complementary last names
   In the 1920s, three Englishman were traveling separately by train through Peru. At the time of their introduction, they were the only three men in the railroad car. Their introductions were more surprising than they could have imagined. One man’s last name was Bingham, and the second man’s last name was Powell. The third man announced that his last name was Bingham-Powell. None were related in any way. (Source: Mysteries of the Unexplained)
10. Two brothers killed by the same taxi driver, one year apart
    In 1975, while riding a moped in Bermuda, a man was accidentally struck and killed by a taxi. One year later, this man’s bother was killed in the very same way. In fact, he was riding the very same moped. And to stretch the odds even further, he was struck by the very same taxi driven by the same driver - and even carrying the very same passenger! (Source: Phenomena: A Book of Wonders, John Michell and Robert J. M. Rickard)

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Posted in Funny 19 Comments »

Anyones day can be made better with laughter, even just a little. So, without further adu, here are some of my favorite quotes for your reading pleasure!

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you. - Rita Mae Brown

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana…The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are. - Matt Lauer

Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way. - Homer Simpson

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a redhot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. - Albert Einstein

Only two things are necessary to keep ones wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. - Lyndon B. Johnson

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. - Dennis Miller

A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah. - Ronald Reagan

I’ve been married five times, and people think that’s some bizarre thing, yet I’ve got buddies who refuse to get married and are intimate with 15 people a week. I’m like, Which is better? At least I was trying. - Billy Bob Thornton

I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix. - Dan Quayle

My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker. - Emo Phillips’ act

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There’s just one problem - it’s in North Korea. - Jon Stewart

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein

If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn’t be called research, would it? - Albert Einstein

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson

Football combines two of the worst things in American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings. - George Will

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Aries - Your life has been running backwards since November 15th. But, with no eyes in the back of your head, you keep stumbling over things. A Capricorn will probably push you into a deep cavern on the Full Moon, and you remain there until the 30th.

Taurus - You will get arrested on the 6th, but they will lose your paperwork and your arraignment will get postponed until after the 12th. You will be injured in a prison brawl on the 19th, and an Aries judge will convict you on the 30th. So party hardy!

Gemini - You may find yourself drowning on the 8th, and that pushy Capricorn may be holding you down. If you live through it, the rest of the month will be boring. And, that will really drive you insane. The best time to check in to the psych ward will be January 28th, but the best time to commit suicide is January 30th.

Cancer - No, you are not paranoid, and yes, the whole world IS out to get you. And, you will probably lose the battle and die on the 26th.

Leo - Feeling guilty? Well, get up off your lazy ass, and that may change. You know you can drink and work at the same time… lots of people do it. Beware, there is a strong chance of electrocution on the 20th.

Virgo - Your slaves will rise up and revolt this month. You’ve beaten them one too many times. A Leo will set fire to your home on the 22nd, and the homeless shelter will kick you out on the 28th.

Libra - You will be robbed by a Capricorn male on the 6th, but he will only be taking what you borrowed and never returned. There is a tendency to either end up in the emergency room or in a threesome on the 12th. Don’t forget your meds on the 16th, because the hallucinations will be wicked. You will probably get drunk and beat-up on the 19th, but your life will be transformed on the 24th… if you live through it.

Scorpio - You think life is bad now… hang on, its going to get worse! The Universe is going to really give you something to cry about. Lock up those nuclear weapons, or you may destroy us all on January 2. You will find your “soul mate” on the 24th, but they will dump you on the 25th because of all the abuse.

Sagittarius - You maxed out the credit cards last month, and now you are going to have to work your ass off. I see you working day in and day out until you crack on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. Your lover will leave you on January 24th.

Capricorn - You’re going to be stomping on everybody this month… Enjoy!

Aquarius - Capricorn IS your jealous younger brother, so guess who is going to get stomped the most? Nobody wants to hear your ideas, and they will probably tell you to shut-up. Just keep bitching, and there is a good change you will get beaten, jailed, or even patronized from the 7th through the 11th. You spouse will leave your on the 12th, and I have nothing after that… like usual.

Pisces - A Cancer will betray you on the 3rd, and the spell that you will cast on her will take effect on the 16th. But, then it will backlash on the 17th. Don’t you know you can bind a Cancer? She’ll finally apologize on the 19th, and you will probably stay drunk the rest of the month.

About the Author
Bitching Blaze is a fictional character and resident Astrologer at PsychicBitch.com where you get absolutely free psychic readings and the absolute truth. http://www.psychicbitch.com/
The real Bitching Blaze is Sparrow Moon and you can read her daily and monthly astrology forecasts, and keep up on current astrology trends. http://www.sparrowmoon.com/

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Redneck Grammar

Heard this on the radio the other day, had to share. It is Lake City’s anthem! (Yes, I am in a very small town!)

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I am a huge fan of wallpaper and screensavers. I change mine out at least every other day! These two are my favorites so far! I think they are adorable!

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Christmas time is a time of giving and receiving. And it is a time of bold lies by a lot of people, afterall, we all should know by now that even if you HATE the gift you show appreciation and not let them know you hate it. Here are some phrases you may have heard at Christmas and what the could mean!

1. “It is so beautiful!” = What will I do with this crap?!?
2. “You shouldn’t have?!” = I bet you shouldn’t have, what is this thing anyway?!
3. “This is so neat!” = Not!
4. “This is exactly what I wanted!” = I bought it a day ago, I hope I can return it!
5. “I so love the colors!” = Wow blue and pink socks… I will re-gift next year!
6. “The smell is so yummy!” = Smells like armpit!
7. “I can’t wait to play with it!” = It should only take a second to destroy!
8. “This is the perfect thing!” = For my cat to pee on!
9. “I hope it fits!” = This is not gonna fit!
10. “Wow honey, how did you ever guess?” = Just another reason to divorce you!

All in fun, I am sure everyone really did love their gift!

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