Ladies this has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman
alive today who won’t crack up over this!

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal … Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

Never going back to that doctor. Ever.

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Little Debbie came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. “Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.”

Now, Little Debbie was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Debbie’s mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Debbie, of course, thought she did.

Debbie’s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Debbie stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Debbie

Debbie knew this wasn’t true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Debbie;. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Debbie

Debbie knew this wasn’t true either. She tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven’t been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Debbie

Debbie knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Debbie’s mother thought her plan had worked because Debbie looked very sad.

“Just be home in time for dinner,” her mother said.

Debbie walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I GOT YOUR MAMA.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it’s a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers; the woman says, “So you’re a man. That’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days”.

Flattered, the man replies, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God! But your still at fault…women shouldn’t be allowed to drive.”

The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cork back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police….”

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don’t mess with us.

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Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree. Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the
apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy. The apples at the
top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re
amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one
who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men…. Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it’s up
to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.

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A lot of non-living objects are classified as male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

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From an email from my Mother-in-Law!

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a fucking bitch.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be shitting me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my fucking problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won’t work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the fuck didn’t you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his ass.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I’m on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This fucking job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a prick.

Thank You,
Human Resources

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Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.

1957 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.

2007 - School goes into lock down, the FBI is called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal’s office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra state funding because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2007 - Pedro’s cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. US Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Independence Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1957 - Ants die.

2007 - Homeland Security and the FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny’s dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1957 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

Source: Julie of Julie’s Journal got in an email!

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Frazzled Frances Wyndham believes the father of her unborn child is sitting behind a computer 1,500 miles away — where he got her pregnant during an online sex chat!

“His words were so convincing it felt like we were actually having sex,” Frances claims. “I could hear bells ringing and fireworks going off. My body reacted accordingly, and I became pregnant with his child. I know it sounds hard to believe, but I haven’t had sex with anyone else in over two years. So who else could it be?”

Clarence Kudrow, the man she says impregnated her, is flabbergasted by Frances’ charges — especially since she’s threatening to file a paternity suit. “I haven’t been anywhere near Colorado in my life,” said the 27 year old technician from Buffalo, N.Y. Incredibly, Dr. John Swall, a leading expert in unusual pregnancies, says Francis Wyndham may be right.

“If she had sex two years ago, there is a 5-million- to-one chance that some of the sperm survived but became dormant. Her high state of sexual excitement during the computer session could have helped revive what we call ’sleeping sperm,’ that resulted in pregnancy. But to say Mr. Kudrow is the father is ridiculous.”

There are only 18 known cases of ’sleeping sperm’ pregnancy over a 25 year period in the United States. One Ohio widow got pregnant with her husband’s baby nearly 38 months after they had sex for the last time before he died.

Frances, a 26 year-old store clerk, met Clarence in an Internet chat room for singles. They later began having intimate conversations with each other over their computers.

“It’s the only explanation for my pregnancy,” Frances said.

We’ll find out for sure when Clarence has to take a blood test.

Story By Lynda Oakley, Colorado Springs, Colo. via the internet. I dont know if this is even remotely true or not, but it sure is funny, and a little creepy- ’sleeping sperm’? Eww! So what do you think, is this a true story or just a kind of old wives tale giving worry to online relations?

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For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.

Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

• You make the bed…..+1
• You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows…..0
• You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets…..-1
• You leave the toilet seat up…..-5
• You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty…..0
• When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex…..-1
• When the Kleenex runs out you use the nex t bathroom…. ; -2
• You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings…..+5
• In the snow …..+8
• But return with beer…..-5
• And no liners…..-25
• You check out a suspicious noise at night…..0
• You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing…..0
• You check out a suspicious noise and it is something…..+5
• You pummel it with a six iron…..+10
• It’s her cat…..-40

AT THE PARTY

• You stay by her side the entire party…..0
• You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old drinking buddy…..-2
• Named Tiffany…..-4
• Tiffany is a dancer…..-10
• With breast implants…..-18

HER BIRTHDAY

• You remember her birthday…..0
• You buy a card and flowers…..0
• You take her out to dinner…..0
• You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar…..+1
• Okay, it is a sports bar…..-2
• And it’s all-you-can-eat night…..-3
• It’s a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and you r face is painted the colors of your favorite team ¦.-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

• Go with a pal…..0
• The pal is happily married…..+1
• The pal is single…..-7
• He drives a Ferrari…..-10
• With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)…..-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

• You take her to a movie…..+2
• You take her to a movie she likes…..+4
• You take her to a movie you hate…..+6
• You take her to a movie you like…..-2
• It’s called Death Cop III…..-3
• Which features Cyborgs that crush human skulls…..-9
• You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans…..-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

• You develop a noticeable pot belly…..-15
• You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it…..+10
• You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts…..-30
• You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.”…..-800

THE BIG QUESTION

• She asks, “Does this dress make me look fat?”
• You hesitate in responding…..-10
• You reply, “Where?”…..-35
• You reply, “No, I think it’s your ass”…..-100
• Any other response…..-20

COMMUNICATION

• When she wants to talk about a problem:
• You listen, displaying a concerned expression…..0
• You listen, for over 30 minutes…..+5
• You relate to her problem and share a similar experience…..+50
• Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying, “…well, what do you think I should do?”…..-100
• You have fallen asleep…..-200

IT’S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH

• You talk…..-100
• You don’t talk…..-150
• You spend time with her……-200
• You don’t spend time with her…..-500
• You seem to be enjoying yourself..-1000

GAME OVER. YOU LOSE.

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It took me 4 tries to get my license, for a very silly reason. Rolling Stops. Each time I took the test I failed to completely stop at the stop sign, I was young and nervous. Finally on the fourth try, I stopped and sat there for a few minutes, made the instructor laugh and he finally passed me. Here are some cute ways to fail a test:

1. Ask the instructor if he wants to race you after you pass the test
2. Ply your own mix tape really loudly during the test, heavy metal works best for this!
3. Spin the tires and rev up the vehicle and honk madly if any kids wave at you from the back of a bus.
4. Slow down and yell at anyone attractive, honking and waving
5. Tell the instructor that you are only driving this slow to pass, that you really drive at least 40 over the speed limit
6. Ask the instructor if they have ever had a car test in a talking car like KITT in knight rider
7. When asked to turn left, turn right instead, when asked why say, “you mean my left”
8. When asked if you can touch the pedals reach down with your hands and say yes.
9. Ask the instructor to duck down so none of your friends see you with them
10. Ask if it is possible to travel back in time in any delorean, or if you had to make adjustments, also if you would need a special license for time travel

Follow those rules and you will fail in no time!

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